STOP Skill: How to Pause Before You React (DBT)

The four steps of STOP

1. 1

   S: Stop. Freeze. Do not speak, do not type, do not move toward the urge. Put the phone down. For a few seconds you do nothing at all, even though everything in you says "now".

2. 2

   T: Take a step back. Create distance from the situation. Take one slow breath with a long exhale, step away from the screen or the person, or leave the room if you need to. You are buying time, not giving up.

3. 3

   O: Observe. Notice what is going on inside you (body sensations, the emotion and how strong it is, the urge, your thoughts) and around you (what actually happened, what other people are doing). Stick to facts rather than the story your mind is telling.

4. 4

   P: Proceed mindfully. Ask yourself what you want from this situation and which action would make it better rather than worse. Then act on purpose, with your goals in mind, instead of letting the urge decide.

When to use STOP

STOP is for the first seconds of a strong emotional reaction, when you feel pulled to do something right away. Typical moments:

• Before you hit send

  An angry text, a reply-all, a post you would not write tomorrow. STOP before the message leaves your phone.

• In the middle of an argument

  When your voice gets louder and you feel the urge to say the thing that hurts most.

• When an old urge shows up

  Urges you are working on with your therapist, such as self-harm, drinking or bingeing. STOP is the first step; your crisis plan is the next.

• When panic says run

  Leaving, cancelling, quitting. STOP gives you a moment to check whether escaping actually helps.

A STOP example, step by step

You read a message from a friend: "We need to talk later." Within seconds your chest tightens, your mind jumps to "they are done with me", and your thumb is already typing "Fine, forget it then."

Stop: you put the phone face down. Take a step back: you breathe out slowly and walk to the kitchen. Observe: "My heart is racing. I feel fear, about 8 out of 10. The urge is to end things before they can. The facts: they wrote one sentence and did not say what it is about." Proceed mindfully: you want to keep this friendship, so you reply "Sure, when works for you?" and plan a distraction until then.

Nothing about the situation changed, and the fear is still there. What changed is that you did not act on it, so you did not create a second problem on top of the first.

STOP or TIPP: which comes first?

STOP comes first. It is a behavioral pause and costs only a few seconds, so it fits any situation, even in public. It does not lower the emotion itself, though. If the intensity is still very high after the pause, around 8 out of 10 or more, follow with the TIPP skill, which calms the body directly through cold water, intense movement, paced breathing and muscle relaxation.

Once the wave has passed, other skills take over: Check the Facts to test your interpretation, opposite action if the emotion does not fit, or DEAR MAN for the conversation you need to have.

How to make STOP automatic

1. 1

   Know your moments. Write down the two or three situations where you most often react fast, and the body signals that come first (hot face, clenched jaw, a racing heart).

2. 2

   Pick a cue. A word you say to yourself, pressing your feet into the floor, or a STOP reminder on your lock screen.

3. 3

   Practice on small things. Run STOP when you are mildly annoyed in traffic or a queue. A skill practiced at 3 out of 10 is there for you at 8.

4. 4

   Log what happened. Note the situation, the urge, what you did instead and whether it helped. The free STOP worksheet above has a practice log for this.